A Eulogy For Health Care
EXCERPT: As all of you know, healthcare was truly wonderful. When i close my eyes and think about healthcare, the words that come to mind are: honest, hard-working, thoughtful, loving, corageous, “official breast inspector” and….
Perhaps, most of all, available.
But, as we all now know, healthcare will no longer be available… healthcare is dead… for 24 million americans. Maybe more. Murdered. And this is a big change… because, as we all know, ordinarily, when this many old white men come together for a common cause, some black guy ends up dead.
Healthcare did have a good run, though. It was… i don’t know… it’s been on this earth at least since men have walked upright. At least 2.5 million years. If someone had offered me 2.5 million years, i would have taken that offer faster than joan rivers did.
My first memories of healthcare are the day i was born. Just like everyone, i was born… and the first thing i saw was a doctor. Pretty great.
And doctors have been with me my entire life. That time I broke my arm. The time my appendix exploded.
Quick story: i used to live in manhattan, and i saw a very fancy doctor. He had me leave a urine sample in a cappuchino mug.
You know how people used to say, “laughter is the best medicine” – well, thanks to these congressmen, laughter is no longer just the best medicine… it’s literally the only medicine.
Which is fine. All that means is that if you have sweats, fever, chills, nightsweats, upset stomach, nausea, blood clots, internal bleeding, asthma, hives, swelling, milky eye, inflamed bowel, swollen testicles or plan to become pregnant at the Gathering of the Juggalos… go and see louis ck. His office hours are between 10 and 10:45 pm… Friday and Saturday nights. And before you leave, please remember to tip your waitresses.